Sit back, close your eyes, and breathe deep. Now take a sip of your coffee. Doesn’t it taste unusually robust this morning? Spring is here and the robins are cavorting outside the window of my baseball shrine.
Last night, in that wonderful little baseball town of St. Pete, the Devil Rays completed a sweep of The Empire. You might wish to pause here and reflect upon the enormity of that last sentence.
I personally cannot help but savor this victory because it illustrates that, in baseball anyway, the whole David versus Goliath schtick isn’t just some mythological fantasy designed to give us false hope or courage in the face of insurmountable odds, but a very real possibility on any given day.
Never mind that The Empire carries a payroll eight times that of the Devil Rays or that a certain extremely gifted third baseman makes more than the entire lineup of the home team, because this is bigger than that. It is the proverbial battle between good and evil, the have nots against the haves, or light versus the darkness.
In the grand scheme of things, the Devil Ray’s sweep of The Empire represents only .012% of each club’s regular season. It was merely one battle in a long and protracted war against The Empire, that great and terrible beast from the east, eternally hungry and relentless in their pursuit of glory.
And it still lurks among us, watching, waiting.
But for this moment. Ah yes, this glorious moment.
So see ya around.
Dear Dugout Confessor,
The other day while I was washing my boyfriend’s truck a man walked by and asked me if I was a Yankees fan. I was wearing a Yankees cap with my halter top and cutoffs like I usually do when I’m outside. I told him, "yes" and he made an ugly face and walked away. He had on a blue hat with the letters K C on it. Now I don’t know much about baseball but I could tell that man sure didn’t like the Yankees.
Even though my boyfriend told me baseball is for sissies and that the only real sports are football and wrestling, I think my hat looks cool and I was wondering if you could tell me why the man was so mean to me.
JH, Tulsa, OK
The man was obviously an embittered Kansas City Royals fan and cannot be blamed for his contempt of the New York Yankees. You see, the Yankees (hereafter referred to as ‘The Empire’) are one of the most successful baseball teams in history, having won the world series a major league record 26 times. The Royals, by comparison, have won the series only once.
The Empire, made fabulously wealthy by people like you, has a 2007 player salary of about 200 million dollars. The Royals have a player salary roughly one third of that and, as one might expect, have about one third of the talent.
The Royals could really use your help.
There is nothing cool about following the herd anyway. If you really wanted to be original, you would wear a Nippon Ham Fighters cap. Betcha no one in your trailer park would know what that was. But I think supporting the Royals might help them to someday acquire some bats and that would ultimately be good for all of baseball.
For your penance I prescribe three "Take Me Out to the Ball Games," substituting "Royals" for "home team," your attendance at two or more Tulsa Drillers games this season, and the ritual burning of all your Empire bling as an offering unto the Baseball Gods.
Oh, and ditch the boyfriend.
So see ya around.